I'm actually really, really drunk at this local bar and muse is playing and I'm in the midst of a breakup and somehow it's JUST OKAY. Ask me again tomorrow, I'll confide that I was "stupid drunk and being extra". But no, inspiration is odd and comes at uncomfortable times. It's like "can I just ask for you & we beck & call it like normal human beings"? but no, it comes at your most vulnerable so really you have no say. And what a friend right, because on our own we would never give in. We need vulnerability. This isn't about anything. But it's not about nothing. Basically, I kinda wanna just say I'm back? So...I'm back.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
When I'm drunk in a bar
So I always have to be forced but it's a good thing because at least I know what works for me. I don't ever make myself write anything whether it be a receipt for work, a journal entry or a blog post. So this is mega weird. I've kinda shyed away from the whole "writer's thing" because to be honest I haven't felt much like one lately and I definitely haven't been busy honing the craft.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Let's Get Cynical
So many of us woke up today with the same old smirk and a witty, sarcastic comment just waiting to accompany it. No, we're not mad. We're actually okay, but wait a minute...maybe we're not? I feel like so many people will have solidarity in the fact that we as human beings are a jaded bunch. I don't want to generalize all people, because to be honest, I know some who are actually chipper before they've had their morning coffee.
So who did this to us? There's the common story of the girl who got dumped by her boyfriend who "just can't be in a relationship right now", only to later find that he is getting engaged to Betty, whom he's only known for a total of about six weeks. The guy who got let go from his job of ten years, because there just wasn't enough money in the budget this year to take care of him. There's the tragedy of parents losing their only child in a freak accident, so close to the holidays. Whatever the story may be, we've all got one and it's our one-way ticket to the land of snarkiness and cynicsm.
Personally, I don't find sarcasm to be a fault. I get that it can be hard to detect, especially if the person doing the detecting is slightly gullible. I have fallen victim to these deceptive charms, myself. I'm not proud to say it, but it is the truth. Likewise, I tend to be the perpitrator of dry humor. Really though, I just end up being extremely awkward, and forcing those around me to do the same in the process. Ultimately, I think that sarcasm is only a tiny by-product of society's distrust of human nature.
When something tragic happens to a person (and tragedy is subjective, defined by an individual's personal experience) it's almost as if a little bit of them fades away. This isn't to say that part of one's self is completely gone, but maybe that it's been dulled or hidden for a while. That could afford them time to grieve, time to think, time to project. From my own personal experience, I've found that the more negative things that occur, the harder it is to just "bounce back" and return to your former self. It gets tougher to believe that things can and will in fact be okay, regardless of if you know that they actually will or not. It may even seem easier to just blame everything on everyone else, and grovel in self-pity because your life is so fucked up.
The one thing to hold onto is the fact that you aren't alone. In fact, you're just a pebble among other pebbles in this big rock quarry called life. We fight different battles, yet still can relate because: emotion. Giving up and throwing in the towel always seem like the easiest options, and that's because they are. It is so much harder to tell yourself that you are going to have a good day, when all you want to do is bury yourself underneath your covers for the rest of your life and cry. The latter would be the simpler "solution".
We all need time to wallow in our bed sheets and throw pity parties for ourselves. But then, we also need to dust ourselves off in due time, and for lack of a better phrase: get over it. So for many like myself, adopting a defense mechanism like cynicsm may come rather naturally. I know some of you may be thinking " Wow, cynicsm. That's such a powerful word. Wow, she is so bitter. Wow, who spurned her? Smh." Yeah, I mean I'd like to lie and say that I am actually Mother Theresa, with a selfless heart of gold for others underneath all of this exterior. Unfortunately, I am not. I feel things, and I feel them deeply, and sometimes they are bad. So we get mad, and it stays with us sometimes.
And then we just kind of get used to it and become these people with so many walls built up that we honestly are unaware of. Your subconscious will do whatever it takes to protect you.
I'm not trying to say that being guarded and suspicious of everything is healthy. In fact, I believe the opposite, although we are all so tightly wound up in this way of life that it would be a mess to uncoil all affected. I'm simply addressing the fact that this is a reality for a lot of people. And yes, I was spurned, several times over by many different people and things. Weren't we all?
Some of us are just funny though, and there is no backstory for our sassy sense of self. Let's face it-dry humor or wet humor (I actually just looked up wet humor, wow), be whatever type of funny or cynical you wanna be. Whatever gets you out of bed and through the day with a false smile plastered across your face, as I always say.
So apparently, wet humor is a joke told to someone after they've had a drink...feel free to use this cheesy wittiscm at your next cocktail party.
So who did this to us? There's the common story of the girl who got dumped by her boyfriend who "just can't be in a relationship right now", only to later find that he is getting engaged to Betty, whom he's only known for a total of about six weeks. The guy who got let go from his job of ten years, because there just wasn't enough money in the budget this year to take care of him. There's the tragedy of parents losing their only child in a freak accident, so close to the holidays. Whatever the story may be, we've all got one and it's our one-way ticket to the land of snarkiness and cynicsm.
Personally, I don't find sarcasm to be a fault. I get that it can be hard to detect, especially if the person doing the detecting is slightly gullible. I have fallen victim to these deceptive charms, myself. I'm not proud to say it, but it is the truth. Likewise, I tend to be the perpitrator of dry humor. Really though, I just end up being extremely awkward, and forcing those around me to do the same in the process. Ultimately, I think that sarcasm is only a tiny by-product of society's distrust of human nature.
When something tragic happens to a person (and tragedy is subjective, defined by an individual's personal experience) it's almost as if a little bit of them fades away. This isn't to say that part of one's self is completely gone, but maybe that it's been dulled or hidden for a while. That could afford them time to grieve, time to think, time to project. From my own personal experience, I've found that the more negative things that occur, the harder it is to just "bounce back" and return to your former self. It gets tougher to believe that things can and will in fact be okay, regardless of if you know that they actually will or not. It may even seem easier to just blame everything on everyone else, and grovel in self-pity because your life is so fucked up.
The one thing to hold onto is the fact that you aren't alone. In fact, you're just a pebble among other pebbles in this big rock quarry called life. We fight different battles, yet still can relate because: emotion. Giving up and throwing in the towel always seem like the easiest options, and that's because they are. It is so much harder to tell yourself that you are going to have a good day, when all you want to do is bury yourself underneath your covers for the rest of your life and cry. The latter would be the simpler "solution".
We all need time to wallow in our bed sheets and throw pity parties for ourselves. But then, we also need to dust ourselves off in due time, and for lack of a better phrase: get over it. So for many like myself, adopting a defense mechanism like cynicsm may come rather naturally. I know some of you may be thinking " Wow, cynicsm. That's such a powerful word. Wow, she is so bitter. Wow, who spurned her? Smh." Yeah, I mean I'd like to lie and say that I am actually Mother Theresa, with a selfless heart of gold for others underneath all of this exterior. Unfortunately, I am not. I feel things, and I feel them deeply, and sometimes they are bad. So we get mad, and it stays with us sometimes.
And then we just kind of get used to it and become these people with so many walls built up that we honestly are unaware of. Your subconscious will do whatever it takes to protect you.
I'm not trying to say that being guarded and suspicious of everything is healthy. In fact, I believe the opposite, although we are all so tightly wound up in this way of life that it would be a mess to uncoil all affected. I'm simply addressing the fact that this is a reality for a lot of people. And yes, I was spurned, several times over by many different people and things. Weren't we all?
Some of us are just funny though, and there is no backstory for our sassy sense of self. Let's face it-dry humor or wet humor (I actually just looked up wet humor, wow), be whatever type of funny or cynical you wanna be. Whatever gets you out of bed and through the day with a false smile plastered across your face, as I always say.
So apparently, wet humor is a joke told to someone after they've had a drink...feel free to use this cheesy wittiscm at your next cocktail party.
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Salad Days
It's amazing how much can happen in just a few years. Really, it's amazing how much can happen in a whole twenty-four hour time period, so of course a few years is like child's play when speaking about change. My friends and I generally agree that once you turn 20, each year is significantly different, with alot of intense revisions and growing up going on. So I'm here again in the blogosphere to maybe divulge a little bit about these adaptations and just anything else that comes to mind. I will warn you that my musings tend to get a little bit droney, and sometimes I go off on tangents that I rarely return from, but if you bear with me I will bear with you and we can just bear together, you know?
I am now at the ripe old age of 23 and can say with much confidence that I still don't know shit. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very discerning human being, but I guess the beauty in discernment is that you can call yourself out on how little you actually know. I really relish the term "salad days" because 1.) that's a great Mac DeMarco album and 2.) what better way to describe such a time in a person's life than this phrase?
-Salad Days: a time of youth, innocence and inexperience.
I really love the way that Shakespeare put it though: "my salad days, when I was green in judgement and cold in blood". What a beautifully poetic way to say that you don't know shit.
Of course, with time comes experience, and everyone is different so sometimes age may not be so relevant of a factor. Alot of young adults grew up fending for themselves from an early age, so independance and maturity may come a little easier and quicker for that lot. Just as there are those who grew up quickly, there are those who took their time and now everyone else is paying for it. Haha just kidding, but really...I'd like to think I'm a solid 6 on the 1-10 scale of experience and maturity. I've obviously got a lot of things to sort out before reaching that coveted 10 spot. Actually, is that even a possibilty? Like, does anyone ever get there?
Oh, life experience-you dirty dog. You tricky, tricky teacher. I have been running in circles, chasing my tail for a while now. Writer's block is seriously no joke. I mean, when you're blocked, you're blocked. You can sit there with a pen and paper, in the middle of the vast, lonely desert trying to come up with something, but all the while your mind is just a bevy of empty thought bubbles. For a moment, I figured "okay, so maybe this whole writing thing was just a farce and it's time for me to start thinking of other options that I can be sufficiently mediocre at". Self doubt is so lovely and always there for you, you know. Really, I'd just been searching for some decent inspiration-something big or even little enough to make me want to write about something, anything. The funny thing is that there have been an insane number of events in my life that I could easily choose from, but it's easier remembered than written. I will say that that's not an all the time occurrence, but to be honest, you just can't force the flow. It will come, and it will more than likely be very random and you may even be a little skeptical because you'll think "what am I even writing about? This is kind of stupid and pointless." FYI: I'm kind of feeling those vibes right now. But in my opinion, that's when you're doing alright and that's when I feel that maybe what you're writing is actually okay, because it's real and you're not bullshitting yourself.
I promise I got off on this writing tangent, because it had everything to do with the initial topic! I've always been one to write down my feelings or the happenings in my life, and was really shocked to find out that despite experiencing so many things that come with young adulthood, I was mentally jammed up.
It's like these stages that we enter and exit, where we become all of these different people. It gets messy, and alot of the time I've lost sight of me underneath all of the costume changes, but it's a part of life. It's fun and scary and depressing. Change is good, change is growth. That last sentence felt alot like a political campaign slogan, and for that, I apologize profusely. It's always frustrating to feel as though you are the only one left of your peers who hasn't gotten their life together. When you look around, it seems as though everyone is either married, has a family, is living out an awesome career, or the real zinger: all three. All the while there's you just deciding which alcoholic beverage you want to drink on a random Tuesday night. It can be pretty daunting to admit to yourself that you need to step your game up. That being said, there's levels to all of this. No two people are the same, so really it's kind of unfair to you to track your progress according to how everyone else is living their lives. Cut yourself some slack-you're still alive after everything. That's not to say that lolligagging should be an art form that you perfect. I myself am a great procrastinator, perhaps the greatest that ever lived. I am willing to debate this truth to anyone who would like to debate it, and I have solid evidence to back up my statements-beware. Everyone's time frame is different; I guess you just have to know for yourself that you do want more than what you've got at the moment. You've got to feel as though there is more. With that insight, I feel there can be a lot of progression, as long as you actually try...after all, we all get to have our "salad days". It's almost like saying everyone gets a pass at being total fuck ups for an allotted amount of time.
I really could go on and on. These feels are my everyday existence, and I'm sure at some point I'll regret being so transparent, but alas, today is not that day.
I am now at the ripe old age of 23 and can say with much confidence that I still don't know shit. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very discerning human being, but I guess the beauty in discernment is that you can call yourself out on how little you actually know. I really relish the term "salad days" because 1.) that's a great Mac DeMarco album and 2.) what better way to describe such a time in a person's life than this phrase?
-Salad Days: a time of youth, innocence and inexperience.
I really love the way that Shakespeare put it though: "my salad days, when I was green in judgement and cold in blood". What a beautifully poetic way to say that you don't know shit.
Of course, with time comes experience, and everyone is different so sometimes age may not be so relevant of a factor. Alot of young adults grew up fending for themselves from an early age, so independance and maturity may come a little easier and quicker for that lot. Just as there are those who grew up quickly, there are those who took their time and now everyone else is paying for it. Haha just kidding, but really...I'd like to think I'm a solid 6 on the 1-10 scale of experience and maturity. I've obviously got a lot of things to sort out before reaching that coveted 10 spot. Actually, is that even a possibilty? Like, does anyone ever get there?
Oh, life experience-you dirty dog. You tricky, tricky teacher. I have been running in circles, chasing my tail for a while now. Writer's block is seriously no joke. I mean, when you're blocked, you're blocked. You can sit there with a pen and paper, in the middle of the vast, lonely desert trying to come up with something, but all the while your mind is just a bevy of empty thought bubbles. For a moment, I figured "okay, so maybe this whole writing thing was just a farce and it's time for me to start thinking of other options that I can be sufficiently mediocre at". Self doubt is so lovely and always there for you, you know. Really, I'd just been searching for some decent inspiration-something big or even little enough to make me want to write about something, anything. The funny thing is that there have been an insane number of events in my life that I could easily choose from, but it's easier remembered than written. I will say that that's not an all the time occurrence, but to be honest, you just can't force the flow. It will come, and it will more than likely be very random and you may even be a little skeptical because you'll think "what am I even writing about? This is kind of stupid and pointless." FYI: I'm kind of feeling those vibes right now. But in my opinion, that's when you're doing alright and that's when I feel that maybe what you're writing is actually okay, because it's real and you're not bullshitting yourself.
I promise I got off on this writing tangent, because it had everything to do with the initial topic! I've always been one to write down my feelings or the happenings in my life, and was really shocked to find out that despite experiencing so many things that come with young adulthood, I was mentally jammed up.
It's like these stages that we enter and exit, where we become all of these different people. It gets messy, and alot of the time I've lost sight of me underneath all of the costume changes, but it's a part of life. It's fun and scary and depressing. Change is good, change is growth. That last sentence felt alot like a political campaign slogan, and for that, I apologize profusely. It's always frustrating to feel as though you are the only one left of your peers who hasn't gotten their life together. When you look around, it seems as though everyone is either married, has a family, is living out an awesome career, or the real zinger: all three. All the while there's you just deciding which alcoholic beverage you want to drink on a random Tuesday night. It can be pretty daunting to admit to yourself that you need to step your game up. That being said, there's levels to all of this. No two people are the same, so really it's kind of unfair to you to track your progress according to how everyone else is living their lives. Cut yourself some slack-you're still alive after everything. That's not to say that lolligagging should be an art form that you perfect. I myself am a great procrastinator, perhaps the greatest that ever lived. I am willing to debate this truth to anyone who would like to debate it, and I have solid evidence to back up my statements-beware. Everyone's time frame is different; I guess you just have to know for yourself that you do want more than what you've got at the moment. You've got to feel as though there is more. With that insight, I feel there can be a lot of progression, as long as you actually try...after all, we all get to have our "salad days". It's almost like saying everyone gets a pass at being total fuck ups for an allotted amount of time.
I really could go on and on. These feels are my everyday existence, and I'm sure at some point I'll regret being so transparent, but alas, today is not that day.
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